I’m getting married and a few weeks ago I finally found ‘the dress’ I had tried on others before that and instantly knew that they were not my dress. I couldn’t get the zipper up on my own (I’m convinced this is the real reason you have bridesmaids), I went round to my dad’s with the dress anxious and hopeful that this would be the one, another box to tick off my wedding to do list. My dad’s partner who has been like my personal assistant with the wedding helped me zip it up.
I stood looking at myself happy that this was exactly what I wanted, I swayed a little to see the material move and heard the words “it’s gorgeous, you look beautiful” and I really felt it. Suddenly I had a lump in my throat and really fought the urge to burst into tears. I smiled and took the dress of but for the rest of that day I was so angry, I carried it around all day and for days after and still now.
I’m angry at a dead person and that still makes no sense to me. My mum should have been there that day to see me, she would have loved to have seen it. And I’m very angry at her that she won’t be at my wedding. I’m so angry that I’m completely devastated.
The idea of being angry at someone for dying has always baffled me, I wasn’t one of those people, I didn’t know because I had never lost someone. Then three years ago I was one of them and nobody ever warns you what grief is going to be like. There was nobody to say all of those happy moments in your life will always feel just a shade off because you know someone is missing.
Grief isn’t a checklist you can go through it’s so individual and personal I just never expected to be so mad that she died, that she left me.
So mum…if there is an afterlife (I’m still not convinced) and you know that I’m mad at you, I’m just going to keep on being mad until I’m not, I’m going to be mad that I lost my mum, my friend and someone I loved and respected so much.
Why am I so mad at a dead person?
Because I miss her.