Why Do You Feel Anxious?

I have had an anxiety disorder for many years, and when I feel anxious the centre focus of my anxiety is around my throat and mouth, I get really freaked out that something is going to cause my airway to get blocked and I won’t be able to breathe.

This can be set of for a number of reasons, I might be hyper aware of the sensations happening in my throat or food tends to set me of a lot I have very specific rules with food. While these things make no sense I can see the logic behind the anxiety I’ve come into contact with something that my brain perceives as dangerous and I get why that would make me anxious even if it makes no sense.

The thing that gets me most annoyed is when I get anxious for no apparent reason, nothing has set me off, I’m not feeling hyper aware of my body and I absolutely have not come in to contact with any triggers.

I was walking home with my husband after a trip to the movies, it’s one of our favourite things to do, when all of a sudden I’m extremely anxious and feel like I can’t breathe. It has come out of nowhere and has me floored, I was shaky and struggling to walk, another thing that happens to me when I feel like this is I find it very difficult to speak at all.

I manage out that “I feel anxious” and that’s as far as I can get as always he asks why, he wants to understand what I’m going through and how he can help, like he does when I know what’s triggered me.

It is one of the single most frustrating things I have ever experienced, to feel so incredibly anxious and not know why, to be trapped and not know how to make it better in any way, to have to just wait it out.

I would love not to have an anxiety disorder but since that’s never going to happen I would love to be able to explain why I feel anxious and use the methods I know to work through it. I would love to be able to communicate properly when I feel like this so I can ask for what I need whether that is physical contact, to be left alone or to just have a distraction.

It’s frustrating that when my husband asks

“Why do you feel anxious?”

I can only ever reply in these instances with

“I just do.”

How Much Time Is Enough?

Here’s the thing, at some point during the course of loving someone I always imagine what my life would be like without them in it. I don’t mean not having them in it as in we parted ways but when they truly aren’t in your life or in the world anymore.

I think it’s only human to wonder and even fear the day that you lose the people you love, having lost my mum at the age of 21 before she had seen me get married, before I had kids, before I graduated ect. the list goes on and on I wondered how much time would have been enough?

I would think just one more day would be enough, one more hour or minute or second and I think about the first moment I ever truly realised I would never see her again and I knew that no amount of time would ever have been enough.

I’m glad it was 21 years I had her in my life for and not 15 or 10 or 5 or none but if it was possible (through wishing) every time she would have to go I would always think just one more minute and it would go on forever. I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to the people I love and one more minute will always span an eternity if I get to decide how long I need.

Last year my dad had a heart attack and I though I’m too young for this to be happening again so soon, I thought if he can just make it thought the next hour and then the next day and slowly but surely he got better and better.

I thought about losing him from the perspective of someone having already lost a parent, when I hugged him I tried to imprint the feeling of home and safety into my brain and I knew that another 5 years or another 20 was still never going to feel like enough.

How much time is enough? There is never enough time.

Anxiety

Dear NotWiredThatWay,

I crawled into your chest it happened such a long time ago, little by little I pushed my darkness in

You didn’t even realise at first what was going on you were oblivious while I was hard at work

Then one day I slowly started crushing you, I had an invisible weight pressing on your chest, I put ice in your veins and fire through your nerves

I won’t let you rest, peace of mind isn’t for you, you need to meticulously plan out conversations that might happen, doesn’t that sound fun?

You need to think about all of those things that make you grind your teeth with stress trying to relieve the pressure in your brain, doesn’t that sound better than being in the here and now?

I want you to feel weak and useless I want you to feel like you’re going to die I need you to really believe it

Because if you don’t believe it then we can’t be safe, don’t you understand?

And I know you hate me now that you know my name but I know the real reason you curse my existence

You needed me.

That’s what gets you, you needed me to keep you safe.

Your protector

Anxiety