Here’s the thing, at some point during the course of loving someone I always imagine what my life would be like without them in it. I don’t mean not having them in it as in we parted ways but when they truly aren’t in your life or in the world anymore.
I think it’s only human to wonder and even fear the day that you lose the people you love, having lost my mum at the age of 21 before she had seen me get married, before I had kids, before I graduated ect. the list goes on and on I wondered how much time would have been enough?
I would think just one more day would be enough, one more hour or minute or second and I think about the first moment I ever truly realised I would never see her again and I knew that no amount of time would ever have been enough.
I’m glad it was 21 years I had her in my life for and not 15 or 10 or 5 or none but if it was possible (through wishing) every time she would have to go I would always think just one more minute and it would go on forever. I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to the people I love and one more minute will always span an eternity if I get to decide how long I need.
Last year my dad had a heart attack and I though I’m too young for this to be happening again so soon, I thought if he can just make it thought the next hour and then the next day and slowly but surely he got better and better.
I thought about losing him from the perspective of someone having already lost a parent, when I hugged him I tried to imprint the feeling of home and safety into my brain and I knew that another 5 years or another 20 was still never going to feel like enough.
How much time is enough? There is never enough time.